November 19th, 2013 by

One Google Account to Rule Them All

So the thing is Google, we have a problem.

You know too much. You do too much. It used to be that you were just this awesome search engine where I could type stuff I needed to know for school, or look up song lyrics, or even use your maps to help me get from point A to point B. Things were simple between us back then Google. I thought we had a pretty good thing going, and we understood one another.

More like One Google. All of mankind! Anyone else feeling the one-ring-to-rule-them-all vibe here too?

But lately, you have just turned into a complete creeper. Seriously, stalking my location whenever I search? Filling up my simple search results with informational clutter scraped from Wikipedia? (which can barely pay its bills as it is.) Wielding the sole hammer of content quality justice? Also, sponsoring a movie about yourself with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn which is funny as hell but in the end really just a big piece of Adwords propaganda??

I’d like to say that I hate you. But the reality is much more complicated. The fact is you have done some pretty awesome stuff as well. Android, Google Maps, Analytics, Google docs, that same movie about yourself with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn which is funny as hell before you realize it is just one giant piece of Adwords propaganda, Google Plus…almost. The fact that I have slowly begun only to just to admit to myself is that…well… I suppose I love you. You are Google, and I am Miles. And I’m not sure I can live without you. And yet this is what disgusts me the most.

It’s not just that you are a total creeper, Google, it is that you are a total creeper AND you want to control my mind. And mostly, you are succeeding. How many days do I wake up and check my Google calendar before I go to work? How many hours have I found myself immersed in those suggested search results at the end of YouTube videos? How many times have I clicked on one of your barley detectable yellow sponsored ads…by accident?

And now, you are getting even more clever indeed. The future is beginning, Skynet is opening its digital maw, for a new order to take over. Google Glass will have us all completely submerged in your Googliness at every hour and location of the day. And soon, while we aren’t searching the web with your search engine, on a Chromebook made by you, in a browser which you control, we will even be able to get an electronic tattoo on our necks to give you complete and unfettered access to our vital signs, location and communications. Why would we want such a thing? Because it will give us improved cell phone “noise reduction”.

Damn, Google, you are clever. Because what we all need is less noise on our cell phones, and would become a bionic hybrid to get it.

So we buy it. We buy it all. And we believe you. Really Google, that’s the worst part. That is our problem. You have our minds, you have our data, and how long is it before you have our souls? What will the next 20 years do to our relationship, Google? What will it bring? What new pathways into our lives will you discover?

One Google Account to rule them all, One Account to find them,
One Google Account to rule them all, and in the Googliness blind them


What do you think?

  • Do we have too much Google in our lives? Is that good, or bad?
  • What crazy invention do you think Google should create next?
  • What are the implications of having a private corporation have so much personal information about everyone?
  • Did you like Google better in the old days, or now?


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I am an Buffalo, NY based WordPress Web Developer and Graphic Designer who loves to learn, read and write. My wife says that I got stuck at age 4 (the "wonder years"). I am a recovering Little Debbie's Nutty-Bar-a-holic and I have written a song about falling in love with a Llama. A Designer by trade, thinker by pursuit, and comedian in my dreams.